You Are Not Alone

By Wendy Lee

July 7, 2018

I want to preface the following commentary by noting several things.  This essay was prompted by the recent deaths by suicide of some popular and public figures.  It took me several weeks to get this written simply because I wanted to create some distance in time between these deaths and the swirling emotions.

I am obviously not a mental health professional, so what I offer here is based on my own experiences and observations.  Nothing I say should be taken as gospel, but merely my perspective on a tough and heartbreaking topic.

Depression, anxiety, despair, and major stress are different than making a decision to take one’s life.  Still, if these issues escalate and are left untreated, they can certainly end up there.  More often than not, though, these mental health conditions result in a lot of extreme mental distress in the known world.  This is a topic I can speak about.

There is an abundance of easily accessible information from mental health professionals about how to help someone experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts.  I will not repeat most of that information, and don’t feel qualified to do so.  Let’s leave that to the experts.  If you need more information, I am including a link to a Mayo Clinic page here:  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression/art-20045943

Although I am sharing a little of my story here, please be assured that I am doing fine.  Seriously.  It just seemed like the right time to share this.

_____________________________________________________________________

“I don’t want to be here,” are the only words I can focus on as I sit on this uncomfortable, velour, ugly green couch.  Is it green?  Perhaps “seafoam” would be a better description.  “Why did I sign up for this”?

Like many things I do, I signed up for it in a time of need but did it rather impulsively.  Now that I am here, I am terrified.  “Not coming wasn’t an option,” I am repeating to myself now.  I know that I need to do something drastic and different.  Not taking any action will kill me for sure.  Still, I don’t want to be here.

The other women are introducing themselves.  I don’t know why we aren’t going in any sort of order.  I like order.  There are five of them, plus the therapist, plus me.  I have judged every woman in this room both admiringly and harshly, all within a span of a few moments.  I have compared myself to them, trying to figure out where I stand on an imaginary, ridiculous, unfair scale.  In the end, I score myself the worst or least in almost every category.

I am not brave enough to share my story.  I am not as attractive as anyone in the room.  I am older than all of them.  My story is ordinary, while theirs are extraordinary.  I can’t express myself to this group.  I am just going through a divorce, nothing unusual about that.  I can’t even face the real reasons why I am in this group to begin with.  I am broken.  I am severely depressed.  I am lost.  I am afraid.  But for now, my story is simply my divorce.  I finally decide that this will be my narrative, my identity within this group.

Yet it isn’t.

“Hi, I’m Wendy.  I am going through a lot of major change right now, and I need some help and support.”

Wow, I have no idea where those words came from.  They are completely accurate. They become my temporary identity.

It is strange looking back on that painful period.  I reflect on it fondly, even though I was broken open and a volcano of pent up emotions was erupting.  I am struck by how important that time was in my life.  It was a period of extraordinary growth and confusion and comfort. I needed the help of those courageous women to help me find my strength.

Thinking back over this time was prompted by the fairly recent news of suicides of a few public figures.  There is much speculation regarding what led to the suicides, while others have expressed complete disbelief that such famous people, who seemingly had it all, can be gone by their own hands.  The truth is that no one is immune to feelings of despair, no matter how famous. And you can never possibly understand what goes on in another person’s mind.  Nor can you ever truly understand their struggles.

We have no idea the lives of quiet desperation many people lead.  And despite the efforts to de-stigmatize mental illness, the conversations tend to happen in spurts and waves when there is a famous death by suicide such as Robin Williams or Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain.

When these issues are in our face like they have been, we may be feeling completely helpless and confused.  We want answers, and we want to offer help to anyone who may be in need.

The answers aren’t easy though.  We are talking about people who are in severe emotional pain.  They are thinking emotionally and not rationally.

Coinciding with the recent news of these suicides is some disturbing news from a CDC study about the significant increase in suicides in the United States.  The numbers are alarming.

How do we get our arms around this?  What is causing this? There are many theories, but not a lot of hard data.

When this topic is front-page news, our natural reaction is to want to help and to ensure our loved ones are safe.  Yet, we often don’t know how to help other than to offer to be there for someone.  I know.  That is my natural reaction too.  But those in severe emotional pain often isolate themselves and don’t reach out to anyone.  They are trying hard to keep it together.

If you are committed to helping, it is a real commitment.  You have to invest of yourself, and you have to be the one reaching out.  It’s hard, and we aren’t always good at the hard stuff.

Again, I can’t speak as a mental health professional, but I have often described the decision to attempt suicide as that point where one’s emotional pain exceeds their coping skills.  I can speak ad nauseum about depression and anxiety.  I know a lot more about these topics than I care to.  As a result, though, I have spent many years of my life trying to hone my coping skills so I am never at that particular crossroads.

When it comes to mental health issues, including depression, we argue about the terminology to use.  The term “mental illness” has a stigma.  Yet we aren’t supposed to say “demons” because that is also stigmatizing and implies that there are not serious mental health issues at play.

For me, I know no other way to describe the battles that go on in my own head, the ones that would scare the hell out of the biggest badass out there.  I have demons.  We have reached some cease fires, my demons and me, but once in a while they sneak over the border and cause all kinds of havoc.  It’s a friggin’ war zone and total chaos at times.

I am prone to depression and an anxiety disorder, for which I have suffered most of my life.  I didn’t diagnose myself with self-help books, although I could build a sanctuary with the self-help books I have purchased and read.  I have been diagnosed by medical professionals as being clinically depressed and having generalized anxiety disorder.  I have had several major depressive episodes in my lifetime, one of which I was hospitalized for, the others perhaps I should have been.

Mostly, I have what I will refer to as my garden variety bouts of depression.  The depression comes on, lasts for a while, I recognize it far too far into that space, and then I work my way out of it.

But here’s the thing, and I have heard it over and over from people I have shared this with.  My life is good, great actually.  And compared to the lives one must lead in a third world country, for example, my life has always been good given that I have had access to clean water, food, a roof over my head, a job, a car, healthy children, family, friends, access to medical care, and I have been relatively healthy.  So what gives?

Being a human is hard, and some of us are just pre-disposed to depression and anxiety either by birth or circumstance.  And some of us simply feel things to the depths of our souls.  That is true for me.  It is a burden but also a blessing for it guides me to try to make a positive impact on this world.

I know what has helped me, and I know what has not.  I know what I have done to be successful in helping others, and I know my absolute failings as a human.

What I will offer here that is an addition to conventional guidance is that if you have experienced depression or suicidal thoughts and have worked through recovery, you must share your story.  It is absolutely imperative.

Here’s why.

Sharing your story provides others hope for recovery.  Sharing your story helps to educate others of the complexities of depression.  Sharing your story helps de-stigmatize mental health issues.  Sharing your story helps reduce the shame often associated with depression and other mental health concerns.

The biggest reason to share your story is that people need to feel that they are not alone, that their feelings, no matter how dark at the time, may be feelings others have felt.  There is great power in knowing we’re all in this together.

One of the most impactful experiences I have had in my life was joining that women’s therapy group, although it was labeled something far more intriguing:  Women in Transition.  It was a group of six women going through major changes in our lives and struggling through it.  We all came from different backgrounds, were at different points in our lives, and what we were going through was vastly different.  Yet, there was a common thread of pain through all of us and we could identify with what each other was feeling.  The willingness to open up and share our stories with each other provided solace and led to healing.

I went through the group two times, with different sets of women, but always with the same common themes.  They became my tribe, sharing their raw emotions with me, and I with them.  I learned from them.  I found my strength through them.  I needed to hear their stories.  I was not alone.

I have learned many lessons in life from beautiful, bruised, scarred people who have faced great pain and grief and despair in their lives and have risen above it. I simply had to be open enough to listen.

Most people have the power within themselves to rise above their circumstances or emotions.  Help them realize their power so that they may take charge of their lives in a positive way.  Be their beacon.  Shine the light on the path.

Am I the face of depression?  No.  And yes.  There is no single mold we were all made of.  There are as many faces of depression as there are people.  I am just one of them.

From the outside perspective, and even my personal perspective, it is sometimes hard to reconcile the fearful, distraught person that I can become in the middle of a bout of depression.  I love life.  I love everything damn thing about it.  I want to drink in as much life as I can while I am on this earth.  I want to meet new people.  I deeply love making real connections with people on a deeper, emotional level.  I love exploring.  I become insanely curious about things and spend weeks or months or years learning as much as I can.  I am passionate about life.  And I dare say, I have created a pretty amazing life.

Yet, I am still susceptible to the demons.  I still find myself tumbling down the very mountain I was able to clumsily climb.  When that inevitable fall happens now, though, I have learned the skills to dust myself off and get back on the road.

I wish that I could leave you with a list full of advice or a recovery roadmap that would help everyone.  I can’t.  Just as with the faces of depression, recovery is unique and personal.  I began making a list of all of the things I did to recover from that crisis point with my depression and anxiety.  I have 22 items on the list so far.  Wow.

I will begin sharing parts of that journey, one essay at a time.  However, it will come with a word of caution.  All of it, some of it, or none of it may work for you or someone else.  Through my own trials, and with the help of professionals, I had to find the combination of levers that worked for me.

As for all of you, please share your recovery stories.  These are messages of hope and action that others can cling to in their own times of despair.  Show them that they are not alone.

Remember that everyone has struggles they are facing, most of which you know nothing about.  Be kind in this world, and offer up your best, most vulnerable self.

I will continue to share my stories in this format, a little at a time, when it is time.  Until then, peace and love to you all.