Do You Have it in You?

By Wendy Lee

May 6, 2017

“Do you have it in you to be an asshole?” my friend recently asked me, in a tough-love sort of way.  He was genuinely concerned and wanted me to toughen up.  My hesitation in answering, answered the question perfectly. 

Of course, I am fully capable of being an asshole.  I have an ex-husband who can attest to that, although I am pretty sure he would also be quick to mention my good qualities.  We get along fine.

The truth is, though, that I suck at being an asshole.  I don’t like it.  I am not good at it.  I try to be kind and feel really terrible if I am not.  I feel tremendous guilt when I am an asshole (usually).   Hell, I can’t even break up with someone appropriately.  I try to be gentle, and I let some people stay in my life much longer than I should.  My friends have counseled me on this point many times.

As I struggled with my work situation, a spotlight was strangely shone on a bigger problem.  On the surface, my issue at work was fairly straightforward.  I had advanced up the career ladder to a place that I actually despised.  It was no longer about doing a good job, leading and mentoring people, creating positive change in the organization, building trust, and knowing my stuff.  It was more about power struggles, turf wars, deflection, and some old-fashioned bullying.  I didn’t have it in me to stand up for myself, to push my team any harder than I already was, or to throw people under the proverbial bus. 

Nope, I didn’t have it in me. 

My life is much bigger and better than selling out for a few more dollars and a fancy title. 

The bigger problem that was highlighted had little to do with the work situation itself, and more to do with some bad habits I was regressing back in to.  You know, the kind where you step back and realize what has actually happened and you kick yourself in the ass for not realizing it in the moment? 

That is how we grow, “they” say.  How else would I learn my lessons without some really painful, embarrassing, heartbreaking times?  These life tests are getting a little old. I guess life will keep throwing them at me until I finally master the lessons, though.    

My regression involves a terrible pattern of trying to twist and contort myself, morphing into someone that is pleasing, or at least not offensive, to others.  And in the process of doing that, I have held myself ultra-accountable for every problem that ever surfaced where I was even remotely involved.  To top off that pile of nonsense, someone I have worked with for about 15 years metaphorically held up a mirror to me when he said, “You are doing fine work, but no matter how much praise I give you, you will never believe it.  You go to some very dark places in your head sometimes.” 

When he said that to me, all of the air left my body as I felt completely deflated.  It was true, and I hadn’t realized I was going to this place both at work and in my personal life.  Mind you, I never go to these dark places on purpose, but I know that if I don’t keep the beacon on, I have a tendency to lose my way in the dark.

There are consequences, of course.  Potential relationships have been completely sabotaged as I either left before I got hurt or tried to be who I thought someone wanted me to be.  I have stayed in this role at work much longer than I should have for fear of what people would think if I stepped down into a job that is a lot less stressful.  I had pretty much withdrawn from most things I enjoy, partly due to depression and partly due to my self-sabotaging behaviors. 

The things I have done to myself seem so nonsensical right now.  For example, I have been in places in my head where if you have had anything negative to say about me, I have not only cared about it, I have believed it as an eternal truth.  If you disapproved of the way I looked, or a life philosophy, or something I liked, I assumed I must change my ways to make you happy.

The fact that I care so much about what others think is frustrating.  I am sure Abraham Maslow would point out to me that I will never be self-actualized if I care about the opinions of other people. 

I was recently reminded from another friend of a life lesson that came to me a little late in life.  The truth is, most people don’t think about me much at all.  That sounds sad, but it is the fact in most of our lives, especially when it comes to people who aren’t family or close friends.  Even if I perceive that someone is judging me, and they may be judging me harshly, they quickly move on and don’t think about me again.  Why then, do I care so much?    

I do know why, actually.  But I will explore that in another chapter.

Before you feel sad for me, or think I have really gone off the deep end, again, you should know that I am completely fine.  At least today I fully recognize what I have been doing to myself, and I am not really enamored with staying on that trajectory.  There are more positive and productive roads for me, and I definitely have a lot exploring to do and love to give away. 

Oh, about that job, not one person has judged me harshly for stepping down.  Everyone I have talked to has been overwhelmingly positive and congratulatory.  After their kind words, I am willing to bet that no one has given it any further thought. 

All is well. 

…with love.