By Wendy Lee

January 10, 2017

I often just color within the lines of my own life, not adventuring out past certain boundaries.  As such, I am frequently inspired by women who take great journeys across the globe while contemplating their big questions (think Eat, Pray, Love and Under the Tuscan Sun).  But, while I have great admiration for these women, I have most often found the answers to my own questions and searching and much needed perspective, just a little closer to home.

I think we all need to hit rock bottom, to have a spiritual crisis, or to have our heart severely broken to move forward.  Then we find that what we thought was the bottom, wasn’t the bottom at all.  It was simply a trapdoor to the bottom.  For me, when I first recognized that I was at the bottom, the door opened and I fell to depths I didn’t know existed in my secure, controlled little world.  There was pain so profound, it seemed impossible to transcend.  But then I did.

After all, heartache and heartbreak are great catalysts for change.

To climb my way out, I had to face some deep and difficult questions.  Who am I?  What have I done to cause this situation?  How can I learn from it and rise above it?  What is my purpose?  What are my values?  Is my life aligned with my values?  What do I want out of life?  How do I live my life on purpose and with a purpose?  How do I do this?  Am I capable of this?  What am I actually grieving?  What the hell am I going to do about it?

These questions weren’t answered in a single experience or epiphany.  They were answered by being open to the questions, by being open to finding the answers wherever they may show up, being open to changing myself, and then through a beautiful collection of experiences.

Of course, I had to start by doing what every sane person would do.  I moved away from my home of 25+ years, left my grown children behind, surrendered my home, most of my possessions, and my life, and moved to a new city where I started over.  That didn’t seem enough, so I then changed my job of 20+ years.  All of this change wasn’t as much a choice as it was an imperative.  I simply couldn’t stay in my old life.  It no longer served me.

From there, how I began answering these questions was quite simple.  A word of caution, though.  Every time I think I know who I am and have this figured out, I realize that I am just a freshman student in my own life.

I didn’t discover myself in one activity, but rather in one experience after another after another, where I opened my heart, let myself experience the pain and the joy, dared to imagine a different life, and opened up to the world about my story (or at least part of it).

There is no roadmap, no blueprint.  You must find it all out for yourself.  And when you do, you will look back and wonder how you ever lived the life you lived.  Was that even you?

For me, I set out to not only answer my big questions, but to be present in life.  I vowed to pay attention, to approach things as if it were my very first time, and to be open to whatever answers came my way even if I didn’t like the answers.  I mean, who likes it when the answer you get back is that you are being a dumbass and you better change?  I had to be open to that too, though.  Trust me, I have had to call b.s. on myself plenty of times.  Today, for example.

Today, I fell through the trapdoor again.  I fell into a pile of tired and boring problems, and then swam through a gulf of tears from today and yesterday and a few weeks ago.  Today I had to get real about my questions.  And then I had to accept the answers.

The conversation in my head went something like this:  In the precious few years you have left, why are you falling into the same pothole every time?  It is time to take an altogether different road.  You must let that go, and find your peace in all of the ways you found it before.  And there, exactly what you want and need will be waiting for you.  Start by being your best self today.

I know, I sound a little like a crazy person, but at least this conversation gave me good advice.

And with that, I am reminded of all of the wonderful places and experiences where I had my questions answered and where I found my way the first time.

I had my questions answered on hikes, in national and state parks, one clumsy step at a time through the canyons and wilderness.  I found myself in Red Rock Canyon, Lee Canyon, Kyle Canyon, Valley of Fire, Bryce Canyon, Kodachrome Basin State Park, Zion, Death Valley, Roxborough State Park, and the Grand Canyon.

I discovered some of my greatest joys not only in pursuing my own passions, but also in experiencing the passions of others from art to architecture to music to history to travel to writing to theater to nature.  I became a sponge, soaking up the passionate energy of friends, family and strangers.

I had my questions answered on early morning walks around the neighborhood, watching the city wake up.

I found myself in volunteering, my “Doing Good” projects, and helping others.

I definitely found myself in my writing.

I realized my answers in the love of my family and friends.

I found answers by immersing myself into history and research.

Some of my answers resided in music.

I found myself in simple laughter with my beautiful, funny, sarcastic, witty friends.

I discovered my gifts in helping others understand they are not alone and that they will be okay.

I even found myself in the oceans of tears that have been shed as recently as today.

It’s not difficult, right?

We are so often consumed with the chaos of everyday life: the job, the phone, the television, music, commercials, cars, deadlines, bills, pollution, anger, fear, loneliness, resentment.  If we just ask ourselves the big questions, and are mindful of the beauty we find in the simplicity of everyday life, we would find all of the answers and peace in all of the right places.

No passport required.