Project Snowcone

By Wendy Lee

September 27, 2015

Life’s big questions: What am I here for? What is my purpose? What is my calling in life?

My previous life was propelled forward by sheer momentum and obligation and doing what I thought I was supposed to do, while still making the most monumental and devastating mistakes one can make. Never, during that time, did I take the time to think about my contributions to the world, my purpose, or what I wanted my legacy to be. Yes, I want to leave a legacy.

Sometimes an emotional crisis can be a benevolent creature, bringing gifts of contemplation, reflection, clarity of values, direction. Difficulty beats on your door with a battering ram while you hide in your distress trying to find an escape route. When the door is finally opened, you find a world and a life far different than you ever imagined. A world filled with love and peace and beauty and harmony, not just because that is what you’re are seeking, but because that is what you become.

At my recent crossroads, I set out to clarify my values and to try to align my life to those values. It wasn’t enough though. I continued to struggle with the answer to my biggest question. What is my dharma? What is the gift that I have to give to the world? It was the proverbial question: What is the meaning of life? But I was not seeking the answer to what the meaning of life is, in general. Rather, I needed to understand what the meaning is of my life.

It took me three years to find the answer to something I have known my entire life. As T.S. Eliot says, “We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”

The answer to my question was braided into what would become the tapestry of my life, from the very day I was born.

I believe my dharma, or purpose, is simply to help people in any way I can, big or small. It is to provide the gift of time or money or skills to help those in need. And to do it with love.

My parents modeled this for me, in ways they may not have thought about and in ways they may have thought I wasn’t paying attention to. My parents volunteered and offered shelter to many family members and friends and loaned money and did whatever they had the ability and interest to do. This just did it.

I was paying attention.

I’ve always been a sensitive soul, deeply empathic. As Lady Gaga would say, “I was born this way.” This view of life hasn’t always been welcomed by me. I have often felt like it was unfair to feel things so deeply. This quality frequently makes me feel others pain down to my core, as if it were my own to solve.

I have come to embrace this characteristic, though, for it also guides me ruthlessly to do the right thing, to help someone else.

It’s not that I always get it right, mind you. I can easily get caught up in my own drama, and can get immensely irritated when others aren’t nice or friendly or giving or drive rudely. My children will tell you that they learned how to swear by being in the car with me. I have also been known to not pay attention to the external world when I am drowning in my own self-pity. My ego gets in the way too. Still, I strive to not be in that negative frame of mind. It creeps in more often than it should, but I am a work in progress. I am determine to give myself a break on this point.

When I say that my dharma is to help others, it sound so noble and altruistic. I assure you that I am under no illusion that I am those things. I just believe that I need to strive to do what I am here to do. Whenever I am down, the thing I know will resolve this to get out of my own head and help someone else. For me, helping others is almost a selfish gesture to make myself feel better. Isn’t that the opposite of altruistic?

I am not that person who can start a large charitable organization or who can save a village from poverty or who can rally others to volunteer or do charitable work. I just do what I can, when I can. It would be disingenuous to list all of the things that I have done over the years as a volunteer, a fundraiser, or a charitable act. That’s not the point. The point is that I have often felt compelled to help even when I had no means to do so.

This often caused some friction in my marriage, and I can now understand why. On many occasions, I signed up the whole family for volunteer activities or gave away money we didn’t have. I overextended myself dozens of times, sometimes to the detriment of my health or my family. I felt I was doing the right thing, but I didn’t always go about it in the right way.

My passion sometimes overpowers my common sense as well. Actually, this happens more than occasionally. It is who I am, though. I own it.

Has anything I have done ever really made a difference? I have to believe that I have somehow raised some positive energy in this world, even in the smallest of ways. I know I have given to people and organizations I probably shouldn’t have. I have, for sure, been taken advantage of. It doesn’t matter. That is more a reflection on others than on me. I have just tried to make a difference.

Even when trying to do good in this world, I’ve had my detractors. Most recently, I decided that for my 50^th birthday to myself would be to do 50 days of acts of kindness/charitable activities. It was my challenge, my celebration, my rules.   It was hard fitting everything in given my work and travel schedule, so some days my act of kindness was to make a donation to a new or favorite charity. A guy that I briefly dated told me that making a donation was cheating and that I wasn’t really doing what I was supposed to be doing. Another guy I broke it off with months prior only wondered why I wouldn’t buy him something rather than giving money to a stranger or organization. I guess that says more about my dating life than about my passions. Dating is a whole other interesting chapter in my life.

They didn’t stop me. I completed my challenge, doing a wide variety of activities from donations, to random acts, to volunteering, to just helping out friends and neighbors. It was stressful trying to come up with something every day, especially since I work from home when I am not traveling, but it was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I held myself accountable by keeping a daily list, and I refused to count daily activities on the list. I made myself go above and beyond. I am proud of myself for doing it.

To clarify, I believe that the meaning of my life is more than helping others. For example, in my opinion, the meaning of my life is to love, to be happy, and to follow my passions. My passions currently include following my curiosity, exploring, writing, reflection and self-discovery, nature, history, and finding beauty in this word. My dharma is to help others.

In keeping in alignment with my dharma, I have decided to start a project called “Project Snowcone.” Sure, it is a silly name. It is a supremely silly name. For those of you very close to me, or who have read my baseball essay, you will recognize my early childhood nickname. “Project Snowcone” is a reminder that I was destined to try to make a change in this world from my day of birth. Through “Project Snowcone,” I will continue my efforts, on my own, and under the radar. However, you will occasionally hear from me as I recruit friends and family to help me with a specific project. For example, when I need help making a Costco run to help me shop for supplies for the Ronald McDonald house, or to participate in a fundraiser for Make-A-Wish. Project Snowcone is a way for me to hold myself accountable for doing what I need to do in this world.

If I leave any legacy at all, I hope that it that I did good rather than I did well.