Meaning and Happiness

By Wendy Lee

February 19, 2017

It was a simple musing in an email exchange with a friend, “I have been frustrated that I had what I felt was a good and meaningful life yet I lost it. How could I lose it when there is little difference between a few years ago and now?” I went on to say what I thought the cause was and what stood out to me in this quest. He, in turn, shared his experiences.

I just couldn’t leave it alone.

Knowing what I believe to be my calling wasn’t enough, for even when doing that it wasn’t helping me. I was feeling empty inside, but determined to figure it out.

I read everything I could about creating a meaningful life, and was fascinated by all of the studies on the differences between happiness and meaning.

While these two constructs can be related, the orientation to one or the other or both can drive your experiences.

People who are oriented to happiness tend to be takers. People oriented to meaning tend to be givers. But optimal well-being tends to happen where the two intersect. You see, neither one is better than the other.

I personally tend to be a giver.

It is not that I don’t value happiness, because I assure you I do. I love having fun, laughing, being silly, and having great experiences. Being present in the moment in these experiences helps me cultivate my joy. It fills me up so that I can give more.

Happiness is a good thing. Happiness, like meaning, is an internally generated state. It is a perspective that allows you to enjoy moments as they are happening, whether it be laughing with friends, watching a sunset, experiencing those things on your bucket list, or whatever. It is an approach to life where you are grateful for the moments you have.

All good, right?

Well, there is actually a downside to happiness when it is used as a weapon, when it blindly hurts others, or when you use it to avoid processing important events such as grief and loss.

I briefly knew a guy who was addicted to what he called happiness. After his divorce, he was on a quest to live the rest of his life happy. He was spontaneous, competitive and on a quest to collect as many experiences as possible, at all costs. Oh, I admired his spontaneity and all of the experiences he had, but he also made me extremely nervous. Have you ever known someone so happy that he or she made you nervous? Plus, from an outside perspective it seemed like his happiness was never long lasting. He was like an addict, and he had to find his next fix while never truly appreciating everything he had or everyone around him.

If you tend to focus only on happiness, you sidestep thinking of anything negative. Sometimes, though, processing those negative thoughts and feelings is actually what helps you to grow.

Meaning is also a good thing. Meaning is something you create.  It gives your purpose. It is what you get up for in the morning. It helps you understand that you matter in this world.

Even with this, those who live a life of meaning are sometimes stressed or unhappy, but they wouldn’t give that up. Take a frazzled parent who identifies with the meaning of raising a happy, well-adjusted child. They wouldn’t give that up, even though it comes with moments of stress and worry.

Suffering will happen. Stress will occur. Grief will show up. Loss is inevitable. But there is meaning in all of these pains as well. The loss of love, for example, means that you were courageous enough to be vulnerable and to love another even if that love wasn’t returned. Grief means that someone was important in your life and you miss them. There is even meaning in suffering.

I read, with great interest Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. In it, he describes that he even found meaning while in concentration camps during the Holocaust. Sometimes that meaning was simply to help another soul make it through the experience.

It is what you learn about yourself in those trying moments that is most important.

When I examined my own life, I found that when I was at my best, I was cultivating both meaning and happiness. My happiness was around making new friends, volunteering, exploring, traveling, going to concerts, hiking, being with family and friends in a variety of settings, seeing shows, attending sporting events, and an enormous amount of laughter. I laughed all of the time. I am quick to laugh anyhow, but it was something I seemed to do a lot.

My meaning was around helping others realize their dreams, volunteering, helping organizations whose mission I believe in, building new relationships, learning as much as possible, being a kind person, being generous, telling people how I felt about them (which is sometimes weird for them) and simply trying to be my best self.

There was often a juncture between my happiness and my meaning, and then I was in bliss.

So what changed?

Nothing really, except for those thoughts in my own head. I was so focused on having a good, fulfilling, long-term relationship that I stopped focusing on both happiness and meaning. I internalized that struggle, as I often do, to mean that I wasn’t really appealing or attractive in any way. It brought up every insecurity I had, which is sad, because I am awesome. Well, I am kidding about that last part, but I don’t think I am a troll. Not that there is anything wrong with trolls.

To be certain, a happy relationship eludes me. But I have also decided to give myself a break on this point. First, given the age at which I married and the length of that marriage, this is all very new to me. Plus, I am interested in certain qualities that I have encountered in only a few. I have let that all go, for now at least. I otherwise have a full and wonderful life.

It has been really fun and rewarding to re-engage with life. I am not quite where I want to be yet, but I am getting there. In making a decision to stay in Las Vegas, I have moved to a historic area (in Vegas terms) and am having an adventure getting my house in order. I am volunteering now for two organizations that are tied to preserving and sharing Las Vegas history, and I love that. I have great friends, and have been making many new ones which is completely fun.

I have started writing again. I have started researching again for a project I put on hold for a while. I have started getting outdoors again which always brightens my spirits. I have been helping some friends through some hard times. I am planning some adventures for the year. I am simplifying parts of my life.

The real thing that has changed, though, is my approach to life. It is all in my head.

Meaning and happiness are nurtured through gratitude, purposefulness and awareness. Just thinking of how blessed I am to have this life, how grateful I am for the experiences I get to partake in, and knowing that my life here has a purpose has re-oriented my thinking and my life. We all need to believe that we matter, and I have finally regained that perspective for myself. I am here for a reason, so you better watch out.

And for my dear friend who has allowed me to work through all of this heady stuff, I am especially grateful.

Will you all join me in fostering a life of both meaning and happiness?

…with love

For further reading:

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

The Difference between Happiness and Meaning in Life by Scott Barry Kaufman published in Scientific American

In 2017, Pursue Meaning Instead of Happiness by Emily Esfahani and Jennifer Aaker